Donald Trump wants me!

I was very excited to look through my mail one day recently to find an invitation from Donald Trump. It seems that Mr. Trump wants me to join him--well, his representatives, actually--at the Creating Wealth Summit, a "once in a lifetime financial conference" where I can educate myself in a variety of wealth increasing topics. If you want to read the full text of this amazing opportunity, you can click on the image of the invitation at right. It's just too amazing for me to try to describe it in my own words.

My excitement increased as I read the invitation. This could be my opportunity to pull myself out of debt and live the lifestyle I was meant to live. Visions of gold-lamé curtains and trophy wives dancing in my head, I called the phone number on the ticket to see if I could get more information.

The call was picked up immediately by a recorded message by "the Donald" himself. This really lent an air of credibility to the whole endeavor. His disembodied voice asked me if I was ready to "think big and live large" and then encouraged me to hold on for a "registration specialist." Wow...a specialist. This really IS a big deal!

The specialist did not tell me her name when she came on the line. She was all business, and immediately wanted my information to register for attendance to the event. As a "specialist", she probably had very good reasons for not offering her name which I just didn't understand. But she seemed otherwise pleasant enough, so I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. And I'm going to call her Specialist Ivanka (in honor of Mr. Trump's daughter). Our conversation went something like this:

Specialist Ivanka: Hello, may I register you for attendance at the Creating Wealth Seminar?

Me: Um...actually, I have a few questions, first. Do you think you could answer them for me?

Specialist Ivanka: Sure, I'll do my best.

She's so professional!

Me: This is truly an amazing opportunity...is there really no charge for this?

Specialist Ivanka: The seminar is completely free.

Me: So...they aren't going to ask me to sign up for anything, or buy anything at any point?

Specialist Ivanka: Well, at the end, you can buy books and tapes, but there's nothing to sign.

Me: Why is Mr. Trump doing this?

Specialist Ivanka: He's part of an organization trying to promote wealth, The Creating Wealth Seminar.

She plays it pretty close to the chest...

Me: Well...um...by going to this seminar, am I entering into some sort of partnership with Mr. Trump?

Specialist Ivanka: ...

Me: I mean...you know...if I want to?

I thought maybe she thought I was trying to trap her with the whole "obligation" thing...

Specialist Ivanka: ...no...it's not really...well...it's just a seminar so you can learn things to help you increase your own wealth.

Me: Hmmm....okay. That's too bad. Okay, then...can I speak with Mr. Trump?

Specialist Ivanka: um...I don't think that...uh...no. You can't.

Me: Why not?

Specialist Ivanka: I don't get to speak with him.

Me: Yes, but he invited ME to come to his seminar--not you. He's not going to be there, so I thought I'd just pick his brain a little bit on the phone. You don't think he'd want to talk to me? He sent me this invitation. There's gold ink on it.

Specialist Ivanka: Look, I just work at a place answering phones and taking registrations...I don't really even work directly for Donald Trump.

Me: Oh. I guess I had it figured all wrong. Thanks anyway. You have a nice day.

Specialist Ivanka: You too, sir.

And that was it. I hung up the phone, a little bit disillusioned. I don't know how much training one needs to be a Registration Specialist for Donald Trump. Or one of his subsidiaries. Or some telemarketing company he's hired. Or some telemarketing company that some middle manager in some branch of Trump's empire hired.

She'll always be "Specialist Ivanka" to me, but she really wasn't all that special. And as disappointed as I was in her, I'm even more disappointed in my mail. I would imagine that something that carries a postage stamp--a symbol of our federal government--should carry more weight. After all, it's the federal government!!! If they can't be trusted...oh...wait. Never mind. I think I see my mistake.

My final disappointment came when I found out that my mother-in-law received the same invitation...and then two days later, her dead father also received the mailing.